Chapter 87
“You won’t let us have a baby because you’re afraid that… that our baby won’t love you?” I questioned, He didn’t respond at all, the silence killed me, and told me I was right, Dez was afraid he wouldn’t be loved by his child? He was afraid of not being accepted, of being rejected by his own baby. He was actually afraid of something and I finally knew what that was.
He was afraid of loving. Because he could be hurt in the end. My mind was spinning in an endless circle.
“Dezmond” I almost choked out. “I love you, I know that you do horrible things. And I…I still love you,”
“You’re different. You have the mate bond making you love me” he said bitterly, I legitimately threw my head back and started laughing.
“Oh Dez, No. I love you because I fell in love with you. I see good in you, even if everyone else doesn’t. I love this side of you-” I motioned to him with my hand laying down next to me my hand dropping finding his. “I love when you’re relaxed, and you talk to me, and you…you smile and tell me things about you, things no one else knows… Dez if we have a baby, our baby will love you…” I said finishing quietly squeezing the two fingers I could fit in my hand tightly in reassurance.
“Do you know why I’m like this Kendal? Why I’m able to talk to you and make you giggle and tell you these things? Do you want to know what I was doing an hour ago? To make my wolf calm enough to even
be in the same room as you? To even look at you, much less sleep with you? Do you know how much blood is on my hands? I don’t know the first thing about a child? You expect me to raise one? As what? A
murderer?” he sounded angry now, I let go of his hand in fear of him actually hurting mine, his hand flew to his hair and started pulling, like he was physically pulling his anger out through his hair.
I stayed silent. He killed people to calm his wolf just so he could be with me? I didn’t have time to think anymore before he was still going on.
“Do you know what would happen if I put a newborn child in my hand. I could kill it. I could pick up my own child and easily kill it? And you want to have a baby with me? Why Kendal? I’m the definition of a monster. I’m the last person in the world you need to ask for a baby. I–I just can’t.”
“Because I love you. And–and I want to have a part of you. I want us to create something together. For us to have our own tiny being. I–I want sex and babies, and a house and I want you to come home stressed out and I want to be stressed out from your cute little babies driving me crazy. I just want normal
Dezmond!” I was crying now out of frustration.
“I’m a monster Kendal!”
“I don’t care!” I responded yelling back at him now that he had raised his voice. “Why do you always do that? You always bring that up, how angry you are at yourself, how you don’t trust yourself. I don’t care about your self–hatred. I love you. I trust you. What more do you need Dezmond? Give me a chance!” I
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Chapter 87
added all my frustration pouring out. I ran my hand through my hair and tried wiping my tears, but they kept coming. I heard him sigh loudly.
His hands found my wrists and pulling them lightly and I fell into his chest still crying. He held me for a little while until I stopped, he wiped tears and rubbed my back lightly. Every now and them his body would tremble under me, I guess from being so soft his muscles had little spasms. I laid there my head on his chest, I could hear his heartbeat beating loudly under my ear. I listened closing my eyes cuddling under his arm into a small ball. He didn’t speak but I knew he was awake.
“My dad was a shit dad, I don’t want to be him.” He stated after a little while.
“Then don’t be” I replied my voice was cracking from all the horrid crying, I waited a little while longer.
“Can we please have a baby?” I whispered to him. He didn’t respond for a long time, the light started pouring through our windows hitting spots on the wooden floor. The air got chilly with the morning and I could hear birds chirping. I was afraid he was asleep but his breathing was still slightly irregular, not shallow. I didn’t move, and just waited.
“What if I hurt you?” he said quietly.
“I won’t hold it against you” I responded honestly.
“I’ll hold it against me” he replied, he turned his body over towards me, and I readjusted snuggling closer into him pulling the sheets closer around me as my feet touched the cold, untouched sheets.
“I’m sure that I’ll love it, and it’ll be perfect… no matter how painful” I whispered into his chest, he tensed a little but relaxed after a minute.
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Chapter 88
“I’ll think about it” a rush of happiness and butterflies filled me, I jerked my body up smiling largely at him, I wanted to scream in excitement. I started laughing and threw my self on him throwing my arms around him clutching onto him tightly. I let out a small squeal and giggled pulling away kissing his cheek. Excitement and happiness was coursing through me, almost pulsating through my whole body, wave after wave, my breathing became labored.
